Page 46 of 47 FirstFirst ... 3644454647 LastLast
Results 676 to 690 of 694

Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #676
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    345

  2. #677
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    337

    Women can be so insensitive

    WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE

    Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

    About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'

    She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

    He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'

    At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... ......you don't."

  3. #678
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    345
    Did you hear about the guy from Canada who won $3 million in a lottery? A dollar a year for 3 million years.

  4. #679
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    147
    The problem with lotteries in Australia that give one the option of $5000 a week for life or $10 million straight out is that with our tax laws, the $10 million is not taxed but the weekly payments are (at a high rate) ;-(

  5. #680
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    337

    humor in music

    i hate links but
    this is good
    https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

  6. #681
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    790

    Monica Lewinsky woes

    Poor Monica Lewinsky cannot get a break. She uses the services of a crusty old dry cleaner who is hard of hearing. He rarely uses his hearing aids and customers have to repeat their orders several times which is very annoying.
    Monica brings in several items to be dry cleaned. She says to the owner; 'I would like to have these dry cleaned'.

    The owner turns his good ear toward her and she repeats her request. He asks for further clarification by saying; 'come again?'

    To which Monica replies; 'no; mustard!'

  7. #682
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    345
    Did you hear about the Senatorial spelling bee with Ted Kennedy, Al Gore and Al Franken? Gore won. He was the only one who knew that her ass was one word!

  8. #683
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    345
    Repeat out loud 10 times as fast as you can.

    I sit upon a slitted sheet; upon a slitted sheet I sit.

  9. #684
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    West central NH
    Posts
    448
    So these two cows are out lying in a field and they're having a good gossip. The subject rolls around to health concerns for cattle, and the first cow says to the second cow, "So, what do you think of this mad cow disease? Shame, isn't it?" The second cow stares at the first cow for a second and then rolls her eyes. "Why should I care?" she says. "I'm a helicopter!"

  10. #685
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Australia
    Posts
    2,291
    Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

    Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

    Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day.

    Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

    Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

    Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

    Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home."

    Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

    At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"

    Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

    All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

    Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

  11. #686
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    146
    I was getting poked by all the old folks at wedding and telling me “your next”
    So I started doing it to them at funerals

  12. #687
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    9,671

    I'm not sure this is funny but......

    you know you're getting old when;


    You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

    You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

    At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, but you’re not eating cereal.

    Your back goes out but you stay home.

    When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

    It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

    When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

    When happy hour is a nap.

    When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

    When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

    When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

    When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

    Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

    It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

    Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

    Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

    You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

    The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

    Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

    The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

    It takes twice as long to look half as good.

    Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

    You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

    You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

    You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

    You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

    You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

    You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

  13. #688
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    345
    2 peanuts were walking on the sidewalk by my house last night. One of them was a salted.

  14. #689
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    98

  15. #690
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    9,671
    Sammy, a former vaudeville performer, turned 80 and moves into the Retirement Home for Comedians.

    Every morning begins with a joke session around the breakfast table. Sol gets up and says "Number 64." Everyone in the hall laughs uproariously, except Sammy. Sammy turns to Sol and says, "I didn't hear any joke. What's everybody laughing about?"

    "These are all professional comedians," says his friend. "They don't need to hear jokes. They all know the jokes so well, they've given every joke a number. They just get up and say the number. It saves time."

    Another resident gets up and says, "Number one hundred forty three," and again, everyone in the room cracks up.

    "Can I try it?" Sammy asks,

    "Of course," Sol says.

    So Sammy stands up and he says, "Number fifteen." The room is deathly silent. Nobody laughs. Sammy is so embarrassed, he sits back down.

    He leans over to Sol and asks, "Isn't fifteen a good joke?"

    Sol responds, "Oh sure, it's a great joke....you just don't know how to tell it..."

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •