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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #931
    Join Date
    Oct 2019

    need wilbur to proof read

    The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2-inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt.

    The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

    The Police do care.

  2. #932
    Join Date
    Oct 2019

    another for wilbur to review

    Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi
    Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
    "No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
    "I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
    "That's what we would call great loss."
    The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
    "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
    In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
    "Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
    "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
    The teacher left the room

  3. #933
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Nampa Idaho
    The last two jokes made my day....just wish I could laff a little more.

    Somewhere there is a ceiling for intelligence ....there is no bottom for stupidity....that's no joke.


  4. #934
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Northern California

    New NFL team.

    So, due to a severe drop in ratings, the NFL has decided that one team will have to be cut from the league.
    The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers will be merged into one team.
    They will be called the TAMPACKS. They will be good for one period and have no second string.

  5. #935
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Ames, Iowa
    Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have kids? Because every time his wife gets hot he hits her on the head with a shovel.

  6. #936
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Ames, Iowa
    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with and keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping his back. The boy coughs up two nickels but keeps hacking. Looking at his son, the father panics, and starts shouting for help.

    At the bar there’s a well dressed, attractive, serious looking woman in a blue business suit reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter. She gets up from her seat and makes her way across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist; gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," the woman replies, a “Divorce Attorney."

  7. #937
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Divorce attorney- the one I met had a pair of vise grips -no release levers.

  8. #938
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Northern California

    The Priest and the Preacher

    The priest and preacher were driving down the road and hit a rabbit. They got out of the car, and the priest knelt beside the rabbit, removed a small vial of clear liquid from his vestment, and splashed some onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumped up and ran into the bush. The Preacher said, "Father, I always doubted the power of Holy Water, but you have convinced me". The Priest said "Reverend, that wasn't Holy Water, it was hare restorer.

  9. #939
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Northern California

    For the last time....

    In response to all the recent e-mails about our dog

    i am sick and tired of answering questions about him,

    so here are all of the answers in one recap.

    Yes, he bit 6 people wearing biden t-shirts...

    4 people wearing kamala harris t-shirts...

    2 car drivers with bernie sanders bumper stickers...

    9 teenagers with pants hanging past their butt crack.

    And 2 american flag burners...

    So for the last time

    the dog is not for sale!

    And no, i do not approve of his smoking,

    but he says it helps get the "bad taste" out of his mouth.

  10. #940
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    NY State

    Biden at the Bank

    Joe Biden walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?

    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Biden: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Joe Biden, the former Vice President of the United States of America !!!!"

    Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

    Biden: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Biden, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Biden: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

    Cashier: "Look Mr. Biden, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

    Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made afabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

    So, Mr. Biden, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

    Biden stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Biden?

  11. #941
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Ames, Iowa
    A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.

    Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he says.

    Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here."

    Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

    "That's the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?"

    As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

    (Once in a while, it's nice to see a blonde win)

  12. #942
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    North Eastern Australia
    Hi Everyone.

    Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter and yacht for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from San Diego and will fly to Cuba where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast and then flying back to San Diego in time for dinner.

    If interested please pm me..

    Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

  13. #943
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Ames, Iowa
    While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

    In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

    What happened?"

    The devil smiles at him and says,

    "Yesterday we were campaigning,

    Today, you voted.."

  14. #944
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    State of Confusion

    Nervous virgin

    After 40 years, the nervous virgin finally got up the nerve to visit a brothel. After coming to an agreement with the madam and picking a girl, they went upstairs. The girl disrobed, and waited as he undressed. As he pulled off his socks, she noticed his toes, which were all gnarly and crooked.
    "What happened to your toes?"
    "Oh, I had Tolio as a child."
    As he takes off his pants, she sees that his knees are all mishapen and scarred.
    "What happened to your knees?"
    "Oh, I had Kneesles."
    Finally, he takes off his underwear, and turns to face her.
    Dead silence, then . . .
    "Let me guess, Smallcox?"

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