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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #721
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    The Wall

    The wall should be made out of Russian collusion. Lots of people don't seem to be able to get over it.

  2. #722
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    Apr 2017
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    Ames, Iowa
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    POPULATION CONTROL

    After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

    ‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    “4"
    "5"

    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
    Last edited by antelopedundee; 05-01-2019 at 08:02 PM.

  3. #723
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave Coots View Post
    The wall should be made out of Russian collusion. Lots of people don't seem to be able to get over it.
    Not near as funny as it is true.

  4. #724
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
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    A man received the following text from his neighbor:

    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

    The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:


    "dang auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."

  5. #725
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    971
    Quote Originally Posted by antelopedundee View Post
    POPULATION CONTROL

    After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

    ‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    “4"
    "5"

    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
    Probably wouldn't work in Iowa, they can't count that high.

  6. #726
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    Apr 2017
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greyfox View Post
    Probably wouldn't work in Iowa, they can't count that high.
    Do you know how they practice safe sex in Iowa? They put ear tags on all of the kickers.

  7. #727
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    Apr 2017
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    466
    A dad walks into a market with his young son.The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

    Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," she says, "Divorce attorney."

  8. #728
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    Mar 2017
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    Westchester NY and Delray FL
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    “Divorce Attorney” that’s funny, my divorce was twenty years ago and I’m still coughing.

    Bob

  9. #729
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    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    How do you sleep at night knowing people don't like you?

    Usually with no underwear so they can kiss my ass....

  10. #730
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    466
    She "do you smoke after sex?"

    He "dunno, I never looked."

  11. #731
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    Getting The Story Straight.....................

    When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

    A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

    "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

    "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

    "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

  12. #732
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    San Angelo, Texas (West Texas)
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    Quote Originally Posted by alinwa View Post
    Getting The Story Straight.....................

    "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
    And that's the way it is!

  13. #733
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    Feb 2003
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    CA
    Posts
    742

    Crow Bars

    What did they do before "crow bars"?

    They drank at home.

  14. #734
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    I was once a man trapped in a woman's body

    then I was born

  15. #735
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    OKAY!!!


    So this is wikkid frickin long. And will only appeal to a small percentage of the population!

    But I liked it,

    And I got a computer, so;





    Rules Of The Blues


    Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
    .

    "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    .

    The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
    .

    The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


    Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvo s, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
    .

    Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    .

    Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
    .

    A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.


    You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


    Good places for the Blues:

    a. Highway

    b. Jailhouse

    c. An empty bed

    d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
    .

    Bad places for the Blues:


    a. Nordstrom's

    b. Gallery openings

    c. Ivy league institutions

    d. Golf courses


    No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.


    You have the right to sing the Blues if:

    a. You older than dirt

    b. You blind

    c. You shot a man in Memphis

    d. You can't be satisfied


    You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

    a. You have all your teeth

    b. You were once blind but now can see

    c. The man in Memphis lived

    d. You have a pension fund

    Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues


    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

    a. Cheap wine

    b. Whiskey or bourbon

    c. Muddy water

    d. Nasty black coffee


    The following are NOT Blues beverages:

    a. Perrier

    b. Chardonnay

    c. Snapple

    d. Slim Fast

    If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

    Some Blues names for women:

    a. Sadie

    b. Big Mama

    c. Bessie

    d. Fat River Dumpling

    Some Blues names for men:

    a. Joe

    b. Willie

    c. Little Willie

    d. Big Willie

    Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    .

    I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

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