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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #211
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    585
    Quote Originally Posted by Butch Lambert View Post
    And your point is? It may be fun for you to check all of the jokes posted with snoops and post your results.
    Butch,
    Since you posted it as a true story I looked to see if I could find the final ruling and instead found it to not be true.

    James

  2. #212
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    Feb 2003
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    Poetry, Tex.
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    Just copied and pasted it, didn't type the words True Story. Check this one out and tell me what snoops sez.

    This is too funny…………



    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
    Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
    Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

    Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

    'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
    never told a lie.'

    'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
    twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

    'Do you have one for President Obama?' asked the man.

    Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
    He's using it as a ceiling fan.

  3. #213
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    Jun 2003
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    Hondo, TX
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    1,552
    That was a good one Butch.
    Here's an old one redone.
    Do you know how to tell when Obama is lying?
    His lips are moving.

  4. #214
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    222
    Larry, the Cable Guy"

    "Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius."

  5. #215
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    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Australia
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    2,331
    Julius Caesar's birthday was coming up & they guys down at the Senate were discussing what to get him for a present.

    Young Caius said he'd seen a new bunch of Nubian slaves down at the market. Maybe they could pick up a low mileage wench or two for him. They shouted him down because everybody knew big Julie was in like a rabbit with most of the senators' wives already.

    Mark Antony had an idea of picking up one of those new convertible chariots & a span of white stallions until they remembered that Caesar had been evicting gladiators from the Colosseum for months now to stable his horses, camels & elephants (or was that Hannibal)?

    One of the generals suggested that Gaul was putting up some pretty good wine these days; how about cellaring a few dozen jars for the emperor? Then it dawned on them that he ate out every night & the good stuff would just turn to vinegar waiting for him to knock it back.

    They also discounted conquering Britain (too cold & wet), Greece (full of shysters who never paid their debts) & Russia (leave that to some fool with a toothbrush mustache).

    At last one of the new, timid senators hit on it. "How about we crucify 1000 Christians between Caesar's front door & the steps of the Senate on his birthday"?

    Straight away, that hit the right note.

    On the morning of Caesar's birthday, he walked through his front door & saw them stretching as far as the eye could see - old ones, young ones, men, women & children on each side of the road. A tear came to his eye & his voice had a little catch to it as he thanked them. Away he walked to the senate, looking to the left & right all the way.

    Right at the foot of the steps, Julius noticed the last Christian's lips moving. What was he saying? A prayer? A curse? Caesar stopped & cocked an ear, but couldn't hear. He stood on the curb, but that was no better, so he called a nearby centurion to kneel while he stood on his shoulders, but still no good.

    Then hand over hand, inch by inch, the emperor of the greatest kingdom the world had known crawled up that cross, until he had his arms wrapped round that Christian & his ear to his mouth. Then quietly & sweetly, he heard the strains of.....





    "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Julius................."

  6. #216
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Western Kansas
    Posts
    397
    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
    after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
    Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
    for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
    asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
    talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much
    To talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
    wife's teeth in by mistake and just couldn't shut up...



    ((I love it when I make you smile...and I KNOW you are smiling ...))

  7. #217
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    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,401
    I'm smiling

  8. #218
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552
    Sometimes it’s hard to answer loaded questions.


    WIFE:
    What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

    HUSBAND:
    Definitely not!

    WIFE:
    Why not - don't you like being married?

    HUSBAND:
    Of course I do.

    WIFE:
    Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    HUSBAND:
    Okay, I'd get married again.

    WIFE:
    You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

    HUSBAND:
    (Makes audible groan).

    WIFE:
    Would you live in our house?

    HUSBAND:
    Sure, it's a great house.

    WIFE:
    Would you sleep with her in our bed?

    HUSBAND:
    Where else would we sleep?

    WIFE:
    Would you let her drive my car?

    HUSBAND:
    Probably, it is almost new.

    WIFE:
    Would you replace my pictures with hers?

    HUSBAND:
    That would seem like the proper thing to do.

    WIFE:
    Would she use my golf clubs?

    HUSBAND:
    No, she's left-handed.

    WIFE:

    Silence - -



    HUSBAND:

    Oh Sh@#

  9. #219
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    May 2003
    Location
    Mid Missouri
    Posts
    51
    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
    His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
    flash cards, special learning centers.
    In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

    Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

    To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'



    Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. '



    Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

  10. #220
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Mid Missouri
    Posts
    51
    Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

    The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

    Saint Peter consults his list.

    He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

    The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

    Next, it's the priest's turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

    Saint Peter consults his list.

    He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

    'Just a minute!' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff ....and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

    'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter.

    'When you preached - people slept.

    When he flew, people prayed!'

  11. #221
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Mid Missouri
    Posts
    51
    So, this old pilot dies and goes to heaven and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

    "Ah, so you were a pilot," says St. Peter. "Follow me."

    St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect, smooth runways and hangar after hangar filled with the most wonderful aircraft ever made.

    "Fly anything you want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out."

    Then he takes him over to a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet with the best food he's ever seen and a fully-stocked open bar with nothing but top shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the most famous pilots who ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink with him.

    "Man! This really is heaven?" asks the pilot. "Certainly not what I was expecting -- this is wonderful!"

    St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink.

    After sitting and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old, familiar sensation.

    Tentatively he asks, "Ummmmm, St. Peter? I sure wasn't expecting it with this here brand-new heavenly body, but I do believe I need to go find a rest room to -- uhhh -- go relieve myself. But I don't see any of the usual signs on doors -- where should I go?"

    "Oh, no problem," says St. Peter. "Just follow me."

    St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in a cloud.

    "Just go right there."

    The pilot walks over to the hole in the cloud and looks down over the edge.

    "Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down there... "

    "Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint. "They're all from the FAA."

  12. #222
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Mid Missouri
    Posts
    51
    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

    The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

    As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

    'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

    'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.'

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

    As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

    'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

  13. #223
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    Mar 2009
    Location
    East Java-Indonesia
    Posts
    384
    You guys are nuts! lol.
    It's refreshing to read the posts, thanks you all!

    seb.

  14. #224
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31

    Cabela's

    A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
    birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
    goes over to the counter.

    A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
    says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
    reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
    counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
    believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
    reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
    on sale t his week for only $20.00."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
    it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
    credit card drops on the floor.

    "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
    really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
    could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
    was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
    rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

    He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
    is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

  15. #225
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31
    Tree hugger and anti-hunter.

    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

    She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

    She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long? " He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


    GOD BLESS AMERICA

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