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January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 535 members of congress had no balls.
A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, drinking a beer, and he says "I love you."
She asks "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies "It's me............. talking to the beer."
Down here in Cajun country we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I noticed he never took a gun with him.
One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels.
He said, "No, I just ugly them to death."
Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done.
Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel.
To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground, dead as a doornail.
I told Thibodeaux, "It is hard to believe anybody can do that!"
He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it."
"Well, why don't you let her hunt with you?" I asked.
Thibodeaux replied, "'cause she tears up the meat too bad."
Well, There was this blind fellow who went to WAL-MART with his seeing eye dog. He worked his way down the sidewalk towards the front door. Finally when he got to the door and went inside he stopped reached down and picked the dog up by the tail and started swinging him arond over his head in a big circle. Well you know those folks that greet you when you first walk in. That guy came running up to the blind man and said HEY HEY What are you doing? The blind man turned and said " Just Looking Around"
Quote:
Originally Posted by davejones
NO disrepect, but I think this is the worst joke ever. LOL
....After both suffering with depression me & the wife decided to commit suicide yesterday...but strangely enough after she killed herself I started to feel a lot better and thought, the heck with it! I'll soldier on ...
This thread keeps getting better and better, I love it.
Dick
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille?
Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought about it for while before he decided to bend over.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Glenn
Subject: In reply to your order...
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An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?
George replies: 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom...poof! The light goes on. When I'm
done, Poof! The light goes off.";
''Wow, that's incredible,' says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
gets up during the night and poof..the light goes on in the
bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! The light goes off?;
''Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!'
A guy walks into a bar to have a beer and watch sports. Football is on, and he tells the bartender he can't wait for baseball season to start. The bartender scoffs, and says "Are you crazy? Football is WAY better than baseball. You got the tackling, the touchdowns, the crazy catches, and the cheerleaders. How can you stand to watch a boring game like baseball?"
The guy replies "Bartender, you'll thank me later for this advice. The trick to watching baseball is to always watch it with your girlfriend or wife at home. Then you kiss her on the strikes..."
A midget psychic was arrested at the county fair after it closed one night, for being drunk and disorderly. Somehow, before dawn, she escaped jail.
The newspaper headline said "Small medium at large".
----------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, in that same jail escape, one of the town's crazy bums -- who'd been arrested again -- got loose. A couple of hours later, the police found him behind city hall with a prostitute.
The newspaper headline said "Nut bolts and screws".
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular,was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.)It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
He got an A+:o