we need a humor forum.....until then

An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."





Glenn

Last year while on holidays travelling in Florida I needed to go to the emergency room.



Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.



When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.



Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat:



( it says U.S. BORDER PATROL)


It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles.



It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

If you live in Texas, it might cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's.



The whole crew ran out the back door and I never got my order!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Not with a carnation.'

Jewish Cab Driver:

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her. "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself
'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

What is the difference between Lance Armstrong & a sewage treatment plant?

Eventually the s**t in a treatment plant comes clean.

The invisible man and the invisible woman married and settled down to raise a family. The children were nothing to look at!

The only thing two Doctors can agree on is the third one is doing it wrong. Sorry, I work in a hospital.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

John, a Sydney University student, was
hitch hiking about 100 Km’s north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on
a very dark night with a severe storm raging… Thunder, lightning, torrential
rain… The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see any more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash
of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it suddenly stopped
just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate
for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door.
There was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

The car then began moving slowly.

A little terrified by the sudden movement, without obvious human interaction,
John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was
getting worse… here was a safe haven form the tempest… of sorts… He looked
ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life… Do I jump, he thought,
when suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel.

John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with
terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John
saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out
of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody
around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had
enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…




About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet
and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it.”

Ahhh, some things are just so sweet they bring a tear eh......




My wife is out of town and lonely, she sent me a text,


If u r sleeping, send me your dreams
If u r awake, send me your fantasies
If u r eating, send me a bite
If u r drinking, send me a sip
If u r laughing, send me your smile
If u r crying, send me your tears

I texted back

Im taking a dump, wut do I do?

For Kielly...... yup, we got an outback too




Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

I have been infected with the Orea brothewrs, GON,DIA, and PIA. :D

Then I'm told that I have that tropical disease Noassatall, no pain, my pants just keep falling down. :eek:

"The Snuffy" (There ain't but one)

Essential if you find yourself in "The Hood"...:cool:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/iDnEkF...ium&autoplay=1

I was confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used as follows :

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Forest 'Service'
U .S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

But today, it all became clear when I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had rented a bull to 'Service' his cows.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

When I was a kid I got caught peeing in the public pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud I almost fell in.