Jim Varney
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls82Pj7XeGc
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Jim Varney
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls82Pj7XeGc
At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize
for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our
former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
These stories are good reminders of how proud and thankful we should
always be as Americans
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGuale did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"
Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.
"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
I was watching the Olympic sailing the other day. China took Gold, Germany took Silver, and Somalia took Jim & Mavis - a couple from Surrey - hostage
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Long Island Duck.
A woman enters a butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter,
"I would like a Long Island Duck!"
The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's backside, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells,
"This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!"
The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, "This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?"
The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says,
"I hope this is what you want lady. It's the last duck we have."
After sticking her finger up the behind of the third duck, she says, "Yes! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it!!" As the kid wraps the duck, the woman says,
"You're not too bright, are you! You must be new around here. Where are you from any way?"
The kid bends down pointing his backside up toward her and says, "You tell me!"
Evidently true facts according to the Internet
Quote:----
INVENTION: Margarine
INVENTOR: Hippolyte Mege-Mouries, France
YEAR: 1869
HOW INVENTED: Because butter was expensive and in short supply, Emperor Napoleon III, of France, sought a cheap, tasty substitute for it. Also, on the eve of the Franco-Prussian War, he needed a butter substitute that would store well on ships. The Emperor sponsored a contest, and offered a prize for the best butter substitute submitted. Mege-Mouries mixed suet fat in water heated at low temperature, and then added milk. He called the resultant product oleomargarine because he thought beef fat possessed fatty margaric acid, which it doesn't. But his nutritious, inexpensive butter substitute won the prize. It became popular in France, spread through Europe, and during a butter shortage in the U.S. during W.W. I, it caught on in the New World as well.
i
Again another "true fact" according to the Internet............
Quote:----
At the end of the hydrogenation process, the resulting MARGARINE IS GREY AND SMELLY! It needs to be bleached and deodorised, artificially flavored and dyed yellow (with a natural dye, as synthetic coloring is not allowed) before humans would eat it. Yet rats and cockroaches still would not touch margarine. Only humans do.
So you still can't believe its not butter aye?:rolleyes:
Maybe the best cellphone-in-public bit?
From Those Crazy Canucks Eh
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6...r-first-period
"I drank what?"
-- Socrates
Doctor! Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I do? doctor replies: Tell him I can't see him today.
That one wasn't new when they first decided leeches were the cure all treatment.;)
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the term, having foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says “and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
And Ray Stevens recorded that when they were still recording on vinyl. Still funny though. May have to pull out the old record, if I can find a turntableQuote:
Originally Posted by Hambone
Hi Don
Its the way I tell 'em!
Sad to read you have decided to walked from RC.
Poor seb came back to his car & find a note saying "Parking fine". seb wrote a note & sticked it to a pole "Thanks for the compliment!"
Poor seb was walking with one glove on one hand and bare on the other. Friends asked him why he did so. seb replied that he heard from a local weather forecast 'so it would be cold on one hand, it would be hot on the other hand'.
A friend took seb to a shooting range...he never seen a shooting match before.
seb: Why are all those people shooting?
Friend: this is a competition, the winner will get the cup!
seb: if only the winner gets the cup, why others shooting!??
seb: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No honey, I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
seb: No, I'll also stay with your sister
(hope wife does Not read this, lol)
Just joking,
seb.