we need a humor forum.....until then

A farmer drove to a neighbors farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!"

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

The lady in the pew next to me was saying a prayer.



It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:



"Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough.

You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman;

My favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor;

My favorite singer - Andy Williams;

My favorite author - Tom Clancy;

And now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.



I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are:



Adam Schiff, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer , Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren, Joe (touchy) Biden and Bernie Sanders, and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's mayor, Rahm Emanuel and my favorite shoe salesman Colin Kaepernick.

Amen"

The Cowboy







A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Good Run rsmithsr!!!!!!

Bravo

Hey Wilbur, if this is over the line please take it down BUT IT MADE ME LAFF!




A girl from Texas and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?”



"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.



Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?”

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

I bet you didn't see that one coming !

nope, I did not...... brilliant twist on an ancient joke!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alinwa

A girl from Texas and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"

---

Yes, our women are friendly but they do make their point!

A Texan never asks a person if they are from Texas. If they are they will tell you soon enough.

Two hunters are walking along the edge of a field. One says “Hey, watch out for that hole.” The other says “Man, you’re right. That thing looks deep. Let’s throw something down it and see how deep it is.” They look around but there’s no rocks or nothin’ – just an old rusty anvil. They toss it down the hole and listen….. Nothin’. Then they hear hoof beats and they turn around and here comes a goat, running about 80 miles an hour, and it falls right down the hole.

They stand there wonderin’ WTF just happened when along comes a farmer hollerin’ “Betsy, here “Betsy.” He gets closer and says “Say, have you seen a goat around here?” “Sure,” says one hunter. It just ran up at about a hundred miles an hour and jumped right down that hole there.”

“That’s impossible,” says the farmer. “I had it tied to an anvil.”

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bill Wynne

A Texan never asks a person if they are from Texas. If they are they will tell you soon enough.

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Heard the same said of vegans.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by John Kielly

Heard the same said of vegans.

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A lot of people try to copy Texans. :)

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

I was riding a crowded city bus one day when a woman boarded at the next stop. There were no seats available so she looked at me and said, "would you give up your seat to a pregnant lady?" I apologize for not offering and gave her my seat. After a minute or two I looked at her and said, you don't look pregnant to me. How long have you been pregnant? She said about fifteen minutes and I'm tired as hell.

😎