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Those are good Dave
Dave.....your killing me. We all need a few yuks.
Mort
Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?... I think it has a virus ...
Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.
If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers….
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….
I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”
Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.
Home schooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
?
Want to hear a Covid joke?
You probably won't get it.
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Bugger this home schooling.
So far I have two kids grounded for fighting at school and one teacher suspended for drinking on the job!
Next time you go to the doc, when he puts his gloves on, whip out yours and put them on too.....
I feel like I'm 16 again
gas is cheap
I can't go in a bar and drink
and I'm grounded
Very good Al. Really liked that one.
Mort
True
Today is Mother's Day here in Australia.
I remembered back to when I was a young digger and would approach a pretty young thing and say -
"Happy Mother's Day"
Pretty young thing woukd reply -
"But I'm not a mother"
To which I replied -
"So would you like to be one?"
Only got my face slapped a few times.