Sebastian that's just antisocial on SO many levels :)
I love it
LOL
al
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Sebastian that's just antisocial on SO many levels :)
I love it
LOL
al
There was once a golf course that was haunted by a malicious, evil
leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players.
He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating
in a club competition, losing terribly.
“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt
with a girl or marry one, I’ll help you win.”
“Done,” shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very
pleased with his conniving ways, and chuckled merrily thinking
of the misery he caused to the poor man.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the
other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the
locker.
“Hey,” said the Irish rascal, “I have to have your name for me
records. What is it?”
“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer, as he turned to face the
imp while adjustng his Roman collar.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your
money!”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot
do this, I’m a United States Congressman!”
The thief said, “Well, in that case, give me my money!”
A man, whose level of drunkenness and forgetfulness was
bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat
on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he
crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“The bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the bar
again.”
This one touched my heart.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and
saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "
I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."
Ohh GOOD MORNING Martha!! A cripple joke and a septic tank joke right in a row!!!
Life is good
t'anks guys
al
When I was a freshman in high school we had an English Literature teacher that was also very interested in psychology. He would tell us jokes and then ask us why we laughed at a particular joke.
This is one I remember.
An employee ran excitedly into the office and yelled " Boss, Joe just hung himself in the hall closet". The boss replied, "Have you cut him down?" To which the employee replied "No". The boss ask "Why not?" and the employeed replied, "Because he isn't dead yet."
LO-frickin-L!!! AWEsome.... I'm off now with a spring in my step.
al
Speaking German in Texas
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have s*** in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use two hands--you'll get more."
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly fromSan Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Three young police officers, fresh out of the academy, get sworn in at a very busy New York city precinct. An Italian kid, a Jewish kid, and a Liberal kid who had just moved out from Berkeley California. All three are sent to the duty desk for their assignments, where a world-weary cynical veteran Sergeant interviewed them one by one.
He asks the Italian kid "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Italian kid bristles and says "Come on Sarge, everybody knows the Jews killed Jesus." Sarge assigns the Italian kid to walking a beat in the Bronx.
Next, he calls in the Jewish kid. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish kid bristles and says "Are you kidding me? The Romans killed Jesus." Sarge assigns the Jewish kid to walking a beat in Brooklyn.
Last, he calls in the Liberal kid. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Liberal kid furrows his brow, looks up, looks down, toes the ground, and asks if he could check Google. Sarge says "Come back tomorrow, and we'll talk." The moment he walks out of the precinct, the Liberal kids pulls out his cell phone and calls his parents back in Berkeley. They ask him "So, how was your first day at work?" He replies "Really great. They already have me working on a MURDER case!!!!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows
you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
The new Army recruits are at chow after a hard morning of training. They quickly down their bowls of chili when one private notices that his sergeant hasn't touched his.
"Sarge, you gonna eat that?
The sergeant pushes his bowl to the private and smiles.
About halfway through the meal the recruit feels something lumpy with his spoon. He pushes the chili aside and finds a dead rat in the bowl.
He can't contain himself and barfs into the bowl.
The sergeant says: "Yeah, that's about what I did when I found the mouse".
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."