Calumet those were very good!
This will be passed around this house,
thank you
al
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Calumet those were very good!
This will be passed around this house,
thank you
al
OK....... I've promised never to tell "my cute kids" stories but after holding out for this long;
Sunday on the way home from church we went the long way, I wanted to drive by a job to see if it was ready. My 4yr-old was in the back seat playing Monster Hunter on the PSP not paying attention to the road when I sailed through a "tickle belly" dip at about 70mph. He didn't even look up from his game, just commented "oohhhh cool, that made my penis nervous"
It's a good thing my wife wasn't driving or we'd a' wrecked for sure.
al
Just found this over on the Nitro Express forum
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're b'sing me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it"
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
you guys need to start laying off the sterno...
Anyone Here
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake
happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
again she yelled:
“HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?”
Then from below her, she heard several small voices coming
from far, far away: “Helloooo! Weeeee’re...dooooown...
heeeere...”
Farmer in Flight
The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown
fi eld of a farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.
While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the
farmer and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity.
The farmer, who was known to be a miserly penny-pincher,
asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and
his wife a ride.
‘Well’, said the pilot deciding to have a little fun with them,
‘Normally I charge $50 each, but if you are both completely
quiet throughout the fl ight, the ride will be free of charge. If I
hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.’
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and
took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through
all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers,
you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely
silent throughout the thirty-minute fl ight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, ‘I really have to hand it to you
for keeping quiet through all that!’
‘Yup’, said the farmer, ‘but I’ll admit, you almost heard me
say something when the wife fell out.’
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to defi ne “great” he said, “I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, and howl in pain, frustration and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages for PC’s.
( all that from a texican...not bad vern)
I Think...
There’s an urban legend that in a bathroom in New York
somewhere, if you tell a lie you disappear. A brunette walks
into the bathroom and says, “I am the hottest girl in New
York!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A red-head walks into the bathroom. “I am the smartest girl in
New York!!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A blonde walks in the bathroom. “I think...” POOF!!! ...she
disappears!
Do you know how many blonds it takes to change a light bulb?
No one knows there aren't enough of them yet.
You know you’ve got problems when there’re days you’re not
quite yourself and everyone notices the improvement.
Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.
He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.
Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.
In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven.
He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.
Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"
Glenn
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant , who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said , 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up , Bitch!'
Holy Schneike!!! Only a flaming queen could possibly get away with that! And I mean that as an observation, not as a political statement.Quote:
Originally Posted by mike in co