View Full Version : Break time.

07-03-2008, 10:40 PM
Subject: Blonde Mortician...

> >>>>> A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
> >>>>> expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde
> >>>>> mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
> >>>>> dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
> >>>>> suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she
> >>>>> always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she
> >>>>> wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
> >>>>> check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have
> >>>>> my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the
> >>>>> next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband
> >>>>> dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
> >>>>> suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this
> >>>>> cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
> >>>>> grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the
> >>>>> blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no
> >>>>> charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
> >>>>> of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the
> >>>>> blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of
> >>>>> about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
> >>>>> yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
> >>>>> his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
> >>>>> suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
> >>>>> looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'

> Subject: Blonde is Blonde
> A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the
> summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started
> canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
> the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said,
> 'How much will you charge me?'
> Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
> The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and
> everything she would need were in the garage.
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,
> 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
> house?'
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
> all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
> After a time, the blonde came to the door to collect her
> money. "You're finished already", the startled husband asked.
> "Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I
> gave it two coats."
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
> handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
> "And by the way", 'the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
> Lexus."


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when
she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up
and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi,
Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you? '

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to
the grandson, 'They won't let me fart.'

Smile, :D


Swamp Fox
07-07-2008, 12:05 AM

07-07-2008, 03:23 AM
AWEsome choices :D